1,001 days to go

The nihilists, soothsayers with socks in their mouths and Millennialists are right - the world really IS gonna end in 1,001 days. That's 1,000 and one days from the time you read this. So if you read this today you can count on the world ending 1,001 days from now. And if you read it tomorrow or next year, then exactly 1,001 days later the world will.. er... end... yeah.

Funny how this thing works. Who'd have thought the 'fin del mundo' would be so bleedin' well subjective.

Now you know that the end is in sight, watcha gonna do all you lovely Tgals and gasping wide-eyed admirers. Might I hazard a few guesses?

First, all Tgirls (that includes YOU) are going to drop off your entire stash of girlie things at the nearest charity shop. Then. you'll apply fast acting hair tonic to face and chin. Within a few hours all Tgirls will be easily spotted. You'll be the ones stepping on your beards as you walk, Rasputin-like, to take your place on the number 3 bus to nowheresville.

Second, all admirers must abandon their manly ways. Make your way (this means YOU) to the nearest depillation clinic and undergo permanent laser hair removal including the soles of your feet. Next, burst into your local chemist and, after waving a big doner kebab knife in the air, emerge with enough female hormones to give a battleship mammary glands. Finally, breasts heaving and jiggling in your wet T-shirt (it always rains on a Tuesday) lunge into your local charity shop. There, miraculously, you'll find suitable female clothing in abundance - size seventeen court shoes, XL sexi-see-through lingerie, size 34 dresses and a skimpy Sloggi that will come in useful for bundling your pencils together.

Right, everybody! We're almost ready for the end of days. One last preparatory act to set in motion. Sell everything - houses, cars, diamante earplugs, labradors, broken Wii, blue ray digital big business theft module... the LOT!! Cash it all in and empty out the bank. Now, pile all that cash in a big cash pile. Pick up that box of Swan TransVesta matches. Remember... if your resolve falters, steel yourself....only 1,001 days to go. All set? Good. Set fire to the money and blow blow blow 'till it's reduced to a crispy blackened heap. Only don't do it on a Tuesday, It always rains on a Tuesday.....